Zalgo's Shopping Rage (Thursday)
by LadyTwat
Summary: Even though Lord Zalgo's palace is rebuilt, his fridge is empty. A trip to the shops doesn't seem too bad, except the fact it's crawling with his Creepypastas. But worst of all, Ben and Offenderman lurk there...


**To the lovely Taiwan guest: Once more, **_**thank you**_**! As soon as I saw your comment I had the widest smile on me for an entire week! I honestly adore hearing from you!**

**To Bloody Simpson Chibi: You, too, have made a big smile on my face when I saw your wonderful reviews!**

**Thank you both dearly!**

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Sound blared out from the wide TV screen. Sirens, a news reporter and the camera panning in and out- he watched the news and it, currently, reported about a 'dangerous speeder.' Lord Zalgo watched the updates change constantly with Jeeves happily beside him, despite him having one cushion and his Lord having six. Nevertheless, if his Lord was happy, he was too.

Slenderman drove the Lamborghini through traffic, his blonde wig flowing in the air like a princess. And he still had the douchebag shades on. Zalgo sighed and shook his head, wondering on how he was going to cover this one up. "Jeeves, remind me to summon Slenderman to the high courts when my pastas have brought him back safely."

Jeeves scribbled it down. "Say no more, my Lord."

"Oh, and tell Bucktooth Bertha to get us some popcorn."

Jeeves nodded and went out for a couple of minutes. When he came back, he was shaking slightly. "Erm, sir... I can't find her."

"Where is she?!"

Jeeves swallowed. "Well...you see, sir, you had her executed this morning for setting the palace on fire."

Zalgo blinked. "Oh yeah... Well, what about her husband?! Bucktooth Billy?"

Jeeves nodded and clung the clipboard close to his chest. "He was executed as well."

Then he scowled. "Let me guess, I have to go get shopping?"

Jeeves confirmed so.

"Right, you'll drive me down there and then you're going to get a new cook. Let's go."

Zalgo could feel tears coming to his eyes, not because Jeeves left him alone but because Smile Dog was howling a song with an empty guitar case in front of him. And Laughing Jack played the accordion, pressing any random note and pulling it as far as possible. Zalgo cringed. He spotted Splendorman sitting on the ground with his knees close to his chest with a grim look. When Splendorman looked up and saw his Lord, he grinned and linked onto his arm. "I'm so glad you're here! The doors keep opening and closing on me! I don't think they want me here..." He began sobbing.

Zalgo sighed and rolled his eyes. "They are automatic, you sugar-sniffer. Look." Zalgo pulled him over, and the doors opened, they stepped through, and when they were far enough, they closed. Splendorman leaped in the air like a cheerleader and cheered before running off into the store. Zalgo took out his shopping list Jeeves had wrote for him.

First on the list was bread.

Lord Zalgo wandered up and down several aisles before the smell of a sweet bakery announced his arrival. Down the aisle were Slenderman's 3 proxies arguing over pancakes and waffles,they looked ready to start a revolution. Zalgo grabbed a baguette, stomped over to them and shoved it down Hoodie's throat like a toilet plunger. He broke it in half and whacked Masky on the side of the head. Toby started twitching so much he fell into the shelf and the bread fell on top of him.

He went through the rest of the list and stopped at the spices aisle. Jeff and Jane were jousting on the mobility scooters like old ladies 5 minutes late to the bingo. They made mocking old lady sounds as the neared each other at 2mph. "C'mere, sonny!" Jane croaked.

Zalgo ran away from them and stopped when he reached the clothes aisle. He came to an immediate halt when he saw Offender squishing the bras and giggling. He took at double look when he spotted Zalgo staring into his soul. "Heh..." A drop of sweat ran down his forehead. Zalgo took a step forward, enough for Offender to gasp and bolt. Zalgo wandered through the clothes, looking for a waistcoat for Jeeves. When he came to a small section of TVs and phones, he was in shock.

Ben sat on a mountain of clothes, with his belly so big he looked pregnant and food covered all over his tunic. Ben continued to shove more food into his whale-sized mouth. His eyes froze with Zalgo's and continued to eat without breaking contact. "Are you Greg?" Ben asked with his mouth full.

"No."

"Hello, Greg." Ben continued to watch TV. Zalgo darted from Ben and stopped at the men's section. He felt someone's hand on his shoulder and had a flashback of his overflowing toilet at a party with a line. The _terror_.

"Oh, how fab! Someone can finally meet Dave!" Trenderman exclaimed, grabbed his wrist and sprinted like the Flash desperately holding his bowels in. Trender stopped with a '_squeeeeeeeek_' and pointed at a mannequin. "Dave, this is Lord Zalgo. Lord, this is Dave."

Zalgo stared at the mannequin, he didn't remember creating more than four...

Trender glared at him like a granny who saw her grandson didn't eat the last _goddamn_ cookie. "Well?!"

"It's fake."

Trender gasped and covered the mannequin's ears. "How _dare_ you! Dave has feelings!"

"He's fake, you imbecile!" Zalgo took the mannequin and pulled its trousers down. "See?!"

Trender hissed like a vampire and scurried away. Zalgo sighed and shook his head. He continued with his check-list. Near the entry of the shop, he came across the magazines and books... and Offender again. This time he was staring at some naked ladies with a massive grin, his tentacles held others open.

Zalgo tiptoed towards him like a spy and leaned close to his ear, breathing down his neck. "Christ is watching." He placed a cross in Offender's hands and slunk away into the shadows of the fruits.

Zalgo was joyful- he was almost finished with the list. As Zalgo walked through the centre of the shop, he felt his feet slip and he slid across the floor like on ice before crashing into one of the shelves and have cat litter spill onto his head. Ben and Offender laughed their balls off. "That's what yo get for messin' with us!" Ben slapped his knee like a gorilla, howled like a cowboy and both of them sprinted.

Zalgo pulled himself up, the veins at his neck began popping like balloons. Oh boy, when he got his hands of them he-... No... he had to be clever, and he knew just how to capture them.

Ben trudged through the aisles, groaning and moaning for food. He was _starving_! He passed the spices where Jane and Jeff resorted to trying to shove mops up their butts. Jane hit Jeff at the centre of his trousers causing a huge, wet stain. "Oh dear, has poor little Jeff had an accident? Let me go get your diaper."

Jeff screamed and held his mop high above his head like Tarzan. He hopped on the mobility scooter and slammed into Jane. Ben snickered and went into the alcoholic section of the drinks, and took a large swig of wine while Splendorman glared at him. Splendor was drinking sparkling juice... well, he _thought_ it was juice...

Ben continued on until something caught his eye at the frozen section. He swore he heard banging and a muffled scream from inside. He stood still and peered inside, then he open the freezer and searched the far back. With nothing there he checked the next few freezers. Nothing in them. He was about to close the fourth door but felt a strong force shove him into the freezer and heard the door close.

He screamed and shimmied around to meet Zalgo's joyous grin. Ben banged on the door. "Yo, yo homie, let me out! I gotta see my wife and kids!" Zalgo leaned his ear to the door and shrugged before skipping away like a spring lamb. One down, one more to go...

Offender slunk through the aisles, his brother kicked him out of the clothing section for 'toying' with the female mannequins. He sighed- all he wanted to do was play a game of charades. He gazed down the aisle and stopped dead in his tracks. There lay at the end was a magazine! And it wasn't one he had already read! He speed walked until he reached half way before it disappeared. He stopped and tilted his head before continuing with caution.

At once, Zalgo leaped from the shelf and flung his fishing hook towards Offender. The hook caught onto where Offender's 100% all-beef thermometer was and they both froze. A grin split Zalgo's gleeful face. "Any last words, _boy_?"

Offender gulped. "Um...I'm sorry?"

Zalgo gripped the rod and ripped back. Offender's scream exploded throughout the entire store and not a cheep could be heard. Offender fell to the floor and cried like a lil' bitch and Zalgo glided to the checkouts, floating on the power of his mighty fine legs. He set his basket down, and the employee asked for money. Zalgo's face dropped like he forgot to flush the toilet. Just then, Slenderman crashed through the walls like a drunkard late to a party. Zalgo grabbed his stuff and ran to the car park like an Olympic sprinter.

Jeeves was waiting before Zalgo tore open the door. "Floor it, Jeeves!" Zalgo cried and Jeeves slammed his heel on the car and escaped the war-zone.

"My Lord, what happened?!"

Zalgo leaned against the leather seat. "Creepypastas. That's what happened."

"Do I need to call the kitten shelter again, sir?"

"Yes, and we're going to call him Mr. Puggles."

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**I'm **_**so**_** disappointed with this. My creative and comedy juices have just been drained ****completely****.**

**If anyone wishes to give me ideas or prompts feel free to! Need all the help I can get.**


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